Have you ever been in a situation where people surrounded by you disturbed you?
Have you ever been in a phase of life where thoughts have pushed you into darkness, and there is no hope of ray seen?
Have you ever been in a situation where nothing excited you?
Have you ever been in a situation where you blamed yourself for everything?
In 2019, depression started to get over me. I forgot vegetables in the market. While travelling on the train, I used to board into the wrong coach. I had to ask people to check my phone to find the right coach. I left my job and went back to my home to live with my parents. My parents are amiable; they have always treated me with so much warmth, care and love.
It was my mom who suggested I should seek professional help. I disagreed first and said I am good and strong; one incident won’t affect me. I will come out of this sooner. Days went by; I had locked myself in a room, I didn’t talk much. I turned silent. I fought with my Dad a lot.
I started listening to music the whole night due to sleep deprivation. I read a lot of books. Helping my mom in the kitchen also didn’t help much. After trying a lot of things by myself, I felt helpless. I jotted down everything in the diary, blaming myself, putting my parents in trouble. Even after trying all these, there was zero difference in me. Finally, I spoke to my mom that let’s go to a psychiatrist.
I called the clinic and booked the appointment. My mom tagged along with me. I saw quite a few people who came with their parents; it seemed like they all were of similar ages.
The receptionist called my name after some time; my mom accompanied me to the cubicle. The doctor asked me questions, like “What is your occupation?” “Where do you live?”, “What is making me so much guilty?”, “Why do I fight with my parents?”, “What are my hobbies?” etc. After a lot of talking and venting out, he prescribed me few medicines and advised me few tips:
- Go for a brisk walk.
- When the thoughts are cloud during the night, write everything on paper and tear it apart.
- Do not sit on the bed and write. Sit on the chair and write.
- Spend more time on things that make you happy
I told him that nothing makes me happy these days. I have tried involving myself in books and cooking, but they don’t make me happy as well. I keep running in the circle. He told me that accidents happen when you drive, but that doesn’t mean you have to stop driving.
This experience should make you a better person now. Please don’t feel guilty; now give a new chance and follow this and meet me after 15 days.
I started taking medicines but felt too sleepy. I followed brisk walking and felt a bit better. Also, I read some self-help books. After 15 days, I saw one change that I stopped crying, stopped fighting. I started looking into the mirror. I did not see myself with guilt.
I accepted that I have to forgive myself first and make peace with myself. If not, then I will never be a happy person again.
My treatment lasted for six months. I smiled again and noticed a lot of changes in me. Earlier I was a talkative person, but after fighting with depression, I turned into a silent one.
Earlier I was a people pleaser, and now I choose my peace of mind above everything.
Earlier I used to call my friends to check how they have been. Once I realized that no one cares about me, I stopped running behind them.
I accepted that everyone has a different life now, and no one concerns about what you are suffering. Though I had 2-3 friends who stood beside me, who kept checking on me daily, who called me and asked me about my health. I will never forget them in my life.
I started looking for opportunities again after three months. I gave myself time for understanding things.
I got the job opportunity. I started staying as a paying guest, talked with my roommates about different things. After my medication was over, my anxiety jumped in my life. I got panic attacks while I was working in the office.
Out of nowhere, I used to cry in the middle of work. I had to rush to the washroom. I couldn’t understand my emails; I used to forget. I never maintained notes; everything used to be in my mind. Those changes were troubling me a lot. I couldn’t concentrate at all. Neither I could, nor I was confident. After reading a lot of self-help books and working on myself for confidence, I began to focus. I believed in myself and affirmed that no one should stop me. I changed my habits, exercised daily, performed yoga, practiced breathing exercises. I noticed a new attitude and mindset in me.
Believe me; it is never going to be easy. One thing is sure that if you are willing to build yourself again, you will find ways and work on yourself. Keep in mind that living in; the present is the best way to keep yourself happy. Past has its lessons to teach you, but you can’t change anything. Try to look at the bigger picture; if needed, please seek professional help.
P.S. Depression is not a one-time thing. It will not get over; you will have to find many ways to fight. Every setback will teach you a lot of things. Setbacks are also a part of life, and they will shape you to do more and come back strongly.